What if only one party wants to save the marriage

When a marriage reaches a crossroads, the most agonizing feeling is when you try your best to repair it, but your partner remains indifferent—you initiate communication, but they respond perfunctorily; you try to change, but they are unmoved; you carefully maintain the relationship, but they take it for granted. This “one-person marital drama” is often more agonizing than a direct breakdown. However, trying to save a marriage unilaterally is not the same as “humbly appeasing” or “self-pity,” but rather “making one last rational effort for the relationship while respecting reality.” As emphasized in The Secret to Saving Your Marriage, “The essence of marriage is a two-way journey; any relationship worth saving requires both people to reach out.” This article will share five key steps, drawing on the book’s professional insights, to help you stay clear-headed in the predicament of “one-sided efforts to save,” avoiding both blind persistence and regret.

I. Confront the Realities: 3 Harsh Truths About Unilateral Marriage Saving Before taking action, recognize these realities to avoid falling into a vicious cycle of self-destruction. This is a “rational premise for saving a marriage” repeatedly emphasized in The Secret to Saving a Marriage:

• You can’t “wake up someone who’s pretending to be asleep”: Marital problems are never “one person’s fault,” but saving a marriage must be a “two-way street.” If your partner genuinely refuses to change, all your efforts may become “pressure” or “taken for granted.”
• “Self-indulgent sacrifice” won’t earn you appreciation: Abandoning your principles and sacrificing your needs to please your partner will only make them feel “you can’t live without them,” making them less attentive to your feelings.
• Your value never depends on “saving the marriage”: Even if you ultimately can’t save the marriage, it doesn’t mean you’ve “failed.” Maintaining a painful relationship is far more damaging than a dignified ending.

II. Is it true that only one party wants to save the marriage? 5 Rational Coping Strategies (Combined with “The Secret to Saving Your Marriage“)

1. Step One: Conduct a “Self-Assessment” to Clarify “Do You Want to Save the Marriage, or Just an Empty Shell?”

Many people, when attempting a one-sided rescue, confuse “saving the marriage” with “fear of change.” “The Secret to Saving Your Marriage” provides “3 soul-searching questions” to help you clarify your true needs:

• Do you want to save “this person,” or “the stability that marriage brings”: If you set aside the identity of “wife/husband,” do you still appreciate his character and respect his choices?
• Is your desired “result” “him changing,” or “your continued compromise”: If he never changes his current indifference and perfunctory attitude, can you accept such a marriage?
• Is your motivation for persisting “love,” or “fear of gossip/fear of hurting the children”: Is it worth compromising yourself for the sake of external opinions or a false sense of “completeness”?

If the answer to all three questions is “no,” it means you may simply be afraid of change, rather than truly wanting to save the relationship—cutting your losses is wiser than futile persistence.

2. Step Two: Convey Needs Through Non-Accusatory Communication, Not Pressure-Based Persuasion

When attempting to salvage a marriage unilaterally, the most common mistake is repeatedly complaining and blaming the other person for not trying hard enough, which only makes them more resistant. The Secret to Saving Your Marriage recommends using nonviolent communication combined with specific requests, allowing the other person to feel your sincerity rather than pressure.

Example: Instead of saying, “You never care about this family, all you do is play on your phone” (accusation), say, “I’ve been handling everything at home alone lately, and I feel incredibly tired (feelings). I cherish our marriage and hope we can work together to improve our relationship (needs). Could we spare an hour this week for a proper talk about our thoughts? (specific request)”

✨ Key: Focus on “your feelings and needs” during communication, not “their mistakes,” and give “small and specific” requests (such as “talk for an hour”), which are more readily accepted than vague demands like “you must change.”

3. The third step: “Triggering the other person’s ‘sense of participation in the marriage,'” rather than “taking on all their responsibilities.” Emotional blackmail (such as “If you don’t change, we’re doomed”) or self-sacrifice (such as “I’ll take care of everything, you don’t need to worry about it”) will only make the other person more evasive. The book The Secret to Saving Your Marriage mentions that “making the other person feel the ‘value of the marriage to them'” is the key to stimulating their sense of participation.

• Appropriately “let go” and let them bear the consequences: If you used to be responsible for household utilities like water and electricity bills or parent-teacher meetings, try letting them take over once, so they experience that “marriage requires shared effort”;
• Reinforce “positive feedback,” not “negative criticism”: When they occasionally participate in marital affairs (such as cooking or chatting with you), promptly affirm them: “Cooking with you today made me feel like we were back in the beginning of our marriage, I was so happy,” using positive feedback to reinforce their behavior;
• Awaken “shared memories” and activate emotional connection: Occasionally bring up sweet moments from your past (such as “Remember our first trip to the beach? You almost fell into the water while taking pictures for me”) to awaken their emotional investment in the marriage.

3. Step Four: Set a “Limited Observation Period” to Avoid Indefinite Waste Unilateral attempts to salvage a marriage cannot be without boundaries. “The Secret to Saving Your Marriage” emphasizes that “the observation period is for your own protection”—give your partner a clear timeframe (e.g., 3 months) to observe whether they have made “substantial changes,” rather than just “verbal promises.” During the observation period, focus on three key points:

• Is there “proactive action”: Does he proactively communicate with you, participate in family affairs, and try to solve problems? Or is he merely “not opposing your efforts”?
• Does he respect your “boundaries”: If your bottom line is “no silent treatment,” does he stop deliberately ignoring you? If your bottom line is “sharing household chores,” has he actually started taking action?
• Has your “pain” decreased: During this time, do you feel increasingly hopeful, or increasingly exhausted and self-doubting?

If the observation period ends and your partner still hasn’t made substantial changes, it means they may truly not be suitable to continue the relationship—letting go bravely is not failure, but taking responsibility for yourself.

5. Step Five: “Rebuild Your Self-Support System,” Having a Way Out Regardless of the Outcome
   The most dangerous thing in unilateral attempts to salvage a marriage is “treating it as your sole source of emotional support.” The book The Secret to Saving Your Marriage states that “marriage is icing on the cake, not a lifeline.” You need to build a self-worth system that doesn’t depend on marriage:

• Restore your social life: Reconnect with relatives and friends neglected by the marriage, participate in interest groups and job training, and expand your world beyond just “marriage”;
• Strengthen your financial independence: If you were previously financially dependent on your partner, start planning your income sources and career development. Financial independence gives you more confidence and choices;
• Seek psychological support: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist to avoid bearing the pressure alone—your emotions and feelings are more important than “saving the marriage.” III. Three Fatal Misconceptions in Unilaterally Saving a Marriage
• Misconception 1: “Using the Child as a Bargaining Chip”: Saying things like “You must change for the child’s sake” or “The child can’t live without a complete family” will not only alienate your partner but also put psychological pressure on the child, contradicting the principle in The Secret to Saving a Marriage that “children need a healthy family atmosphere, not a complete but cold home.”
• Misconception 2: “Seeking Moral Blackmail”: Complaining to both sets of parents and relatives about your partner’s “irresponsibility” and trying to force them to change through external pressure will only make them feel “you’re manipulating them,” further solidifying their determination to leave.
• Misconception 3: “Indefinitely Waiting for Him to Change His Mind”: Treating “he will change” as your only hope, giving up your job, hobbies, and social life will ultimately lead to a loss of self, even if the marriage is barely maintained. The meaning of marriage is “to make two people better,” not “to sacrifice one person for the sake of the other.” Conclusion: Whether you try to save it or not, you deserve to be treated seriously. A marriage where only one party wants to save it is like a tug-of-war without an opponent—the harder you pull, the more likely you are to hurt yourself. A true marriage is never a one-person show, but a duet. If, after rational efforts, your partner still refuses to reach out, remember: your persistence should be reserved for those who appreciate you, and your efforts should be given to a relationship that is willing to reciprocate. “The Secrets to Saving Your Marriage” contains much more in-depth content on “how to identify healthy marriage patterns” and “how to maintain your individuality in a relationship,” helping you to more clearly weigh the pros and cons. Whether you ultimately choose to continue or leave, may you uphold your principles and value, and believe that you deserve to be treated seriously and deserve a relationship that is mutually supportive and cherished—this will never be wrong.