Can a marriage on the verge of collapse be saved? 3 core truths + practical solutions to revitalize a broken relationship
When a marriage is on the verge of collapse, most people are confused: “The cracks between us are already so deep, is it even worth trying?” “I’ve given so much, yet the conflicts continue, is there really any hope for this relationship?” In fact, marital breakdowns are often not sudden, but the result of long-term accumulated communication misalignments, ignored needs, and eroded trust. With the right direction and methods, 80% of marriages on the verge of collapse can regain balance—and this is precisely the core logic that The Secret to Saving Your Marriage aims to convey: Reconciliation is not about groveling and appeasing, but about using scientific methods to repair the essential problems in the relationship.
I. First, determine: Is your marriage worth saving?
Not all broken marriages are suitable for saving, but most seemingly “hopeless” relationships have the potential for repair. You can self-assess from 3 key dimensions:
- Are the core conflicts resolvable?
Conflicts in marriage are divided into two categories: “reparable” and “destructive.” If the conflict stems from practical issues such as poor communication, unequal distribution of household chores, differences in parenting philosophies, or lack of companionship, even with constant arguments, there is room for reconciliation as long as both parties are willing to change. However, if the conflict involves domestic violence, repeated infidelity, or serious financial fraud—actions that cross the line—and the other party shows no remorse, then personal safety and dignity should be prioritized over forced reconciliation.
- Does the relationship still have an “emotional connection”?
Reflect carefully: Do you still care about each other’s emotional fluctuations? Are you willing to try to change for the family (especially the children)? Even occasional concern, a casual greeting, or worrying about each other’s safety after an argument indicates that the emotional connection has not been completely severed. This “undying concern” is the foundation for saving the marriage—as mentioned in The Secret to Saving a Marriage, emotional connection is the “glue” of marriage; even a sliver of it can be rekindled through various methods. - Is there a “shared expectation for the future”? A lasting marriage depends on shared planning for the future. If you once shared a common vision for family, career, and retirement, only temporarily overshadowed by conflict, then reconciliation is significant. However, if both parties have completely diverged in their future directions and neither is willing to compromise, reconciliation may only lead to greater exhaustion.
II. Five Core Root Causes of Marital Breakdown That Many People Overlook
To save a marriage, you must first find the root cause of the problem. “The Secret to Saving Your Marriage,” through the analysis of thousands of marital cases, summarizes five of the most common reasons for marital breakdown, details that couples often overlook:
- Communication is not “arguing,” but “understanding each other”
Many couples turn communication into a “debate,” focusing only on persuading the other without truly listening. Husbands complain that their wives “don’t understand their pressure,” and wives feel aggrieved that their husbands “don’t see their contributions.” Essentially, this is a misalignment between “expressing needs” and “receiving needs.” Over time, both parties feel that “talking is useless,” gradually closing the door to communication, and the conflict deepens.
- Neglected Needs: Marriage is Not a One-Man Show
Needs in marriage are divided into material needs and emotional needs, and neglecting emotional needs is often the trigger for a breakdown. Wives need companionship and affirmation, and husbands need understanding and support, but many people think, “We’re married, there’s no need to be so dramatic,” taking their partner’s efforts for granted. When needs are not met for a long time, one party will gradually become disappointed and may even seek solace elsewhere.
- Depletion of Trust: One Betrayal Requires a Hundred Attempts to Make Amends
Trust is the cornerstone of marriage, and lies, concealment, or infidelity will all deal a devastating blow to it. Even more frightening is that many people, after trust is broken, only think about “turning the page” but are unwilling to face the problem or make amends. For example, simply saying “I was wrong” after infidelity, without explaining the reasons or making changes, will only widen the trust gap.
- Lack of Boundaries: Over-Control or Over-Permissive
Some couples mistake “being inseparable” for intimacy, but ignore the fact that everyone needs their own space. Excessive control over your partner’s social life, finances, and daily routine can suffocate them; conversely, excessive permissiveness and indifference towards each other’s lives can turn a marriage into a “roommate relationship.” Marriages without boundaries are either filled with arguments or gradually lead to estrangement.
- Forgetting to “Keep It Fresh”: Marriage Needs Rituals and Novelty
After a marriage enters a period of normalcy, many people give up on pursuing “romance” and “novelty,” feeling that “old married couples don’t need these things.” But rituals aren’t a waste of money; they’re a sign of mutual respect. Novelty isn’t about finding a new lover; it’s about experiencing new things with your partner. A marriage that lacks freshness over a long period is like a glass of water left out for too long—it gradually loses its flavor.
III. Six Practical Steps to Save a Broken Marriage, From “Breaking the Ice” to “Rekindling Love”
After finding the root cause of the problem, the most important thing is to implement it scientifically. These methods are derived from the core theories of The Secret to Saving Your Marriage, and countless couples have successfully put their broken marriages back on track using these steps:
- Stop arguing and first “calmly review” the situation. When a marriage is breaking down, arguing will only exacerbate the conflict. Give yourself and your partner a cooling-off period (ideally 1-2 weeks). This isn’t about a cold war, but about stepping back from emotions and objectively reviewing the situation: What did you do wrong in this marriage? What are your partner’s core needs? Where are the key points of conflict? The Secret to Saving Your Marriage emphasizes that calmness is not avoidance, but rather a means to solve problems more rationally.
- Proactively communicate and express your needs using “nonviolent language.”
After the cooling-off period, proactively initiate communication, but avoid accusations and complaints. Use the “I feel + I need” model. For example, instead of saying “You never spend time with me,” say, “When you often work overtime and don’t come home, I feel lonely, and I need more companionship.” This kind of expression won’t create resistance in your partner and will clearly let them know your needs.
- Targeted Remediation: Repairing Trust and Meeting Needs
If the issue is trust, replace verbal promises with actions: for example, proactively share your schedule, disclose your finances, and persist for a period to show your partner a change. If it’s about neglecting needs, start with details: remember your partner’s birthday, share housework, and offer comforting words when they’re tired. As mentioned in The Secret to Saving Your Marriage, targeted remediation is more powerful than a vague “I’ll change.”
- Rebuilding Boundaries: Giving Each Other Space While Maintaining Bottom Lines
Communicate honestly with your partner about each other’s boundaries: for example, “I hope you can respect my social circle and not casually look through my phone,” or “I will proactively share housework, but I also need you to understand my work pressure.” Clear boundaries make both parties feel comfortable, avoiding both excessive restraint and excessive permissiveness.
- Injecting Freshness: Restarting Your “Life as a Couple”
The plateau in a marriage needs to be actively broken. You can start by revisiting past happy moments: go back to the place of your first date, watch a movie you both enjoy; or try new things: travel together, learn a new skill, or cultivate shared hobbies. These experiences can rebuild emotional connections, allowing each other to feel that “being with you brings new surprises every day.”
- Long-Term Management: Turning “Reconciliation” into “Daily Maintenance”
Saving a marriage is not a “one-off task,” but a long-term commitment. You can establish some “small marriage agreements”: set aside time for a dinner together once a week, take a short trip once a month, and hold an anniversary ceremony once a year; you can also regularly communicate your feelings and adjust your interaction patterns accordingly. As stated in The Secret to Saving a Marriage, the longevity of a marriage lies in “knowing how to repair and, more importantly, knowing how to cherish.”
IV. Finally, I want to say: Saving a marriage is also about saving a better version of yourself.
Many people think saving a marriage is about “begging the other person to come back,” but true saving involves repairing the relationship and becoming a more mature person who understands how to manage relationships. Even if you don’t ultimately succeed in saving your marriage, you will have gained growth; and if you succeed, you will have a stronger and happier marriage.
If you are facing the pain of a broken marriage and don’t know where to start, you might want to take a look at The Secret to Saving a Marriage. This book avoids empty platitudes, offering practical methods and real-life examples. It will show you that marriage isn’t about winning or losing, but about mutual benefit; that reconciliation isn’t about groveling, but about using wisdom and love to help each other fall in love with a better version of ourselves.
The road to marriage is inevitably bumpy, but as long as both partners are willing and find the right methods, they can overcome the rifts and move towards a longer, happier relationship. May you and your loved one, through mutual understanding and cherishing, piece your broken relationship back together into a more complete whole.
